I haven't really written about my husband for two reasons. One, although I don't share this blog with anyone in the real world, if they went looking, it wouldn't be too difficult to find. Two, I don't want to make him sound like a total loser and put him down. However, I have come to a point that if I don't share somewhere, I will break down completely.
I love him and overall he is a good guy. This is a second marriage for both of us. I give him and his ex a lot of credit. They married young and had three kids by the time they were 22. Despite the odds being against them, they both got a college education and stayed together until the youngest was 16. And my husband always worked two jobs.
As far as he and I go, we will have been married six years (anniversary is in a few days) and have known each other for 14 years. It is his lack of work ethic that is slowly destroying our marriage. To make a very long story shorter, after thinking long and hard, his jobs were always handed to him. All of them were through someone he knew. Now he is in a position that he doesn't have the connections and therefore isn't finding work. The big issue is the lack of effort.
He is a substitute teacher and has no other job. I am ashamed to even type the fact that he made just over $9000 last year. He has not brought home a check at all since June. Every time I get ahead, I have to dip into savings because I am basically supporting the household.
We talk about jobs and there is the excuse that he isn't being called (I don't even know how often he is really applying) or that it is overnight and he can't do it, blah, blah, blah. To make matters worse, it seems his family feels sorry for him because he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer three years ago. Mind you, it is not affecting his health whatsoever.
I get so angry because this is an easy fix in my opinion. I don't care if I make more, I just want him to get some kind of full-time job (even two good part-time jobs would suffice). He has nothing if I tell him to leave. He has ruined his credit (I refuse to pay his old credit card bills or his student loans). I don't get how an educated person who worked hard for so many years just gives up.
What is putting me over the edge is he is enjoying a week long vacation courtesy of his son. Meanwhile, I am working three jobs this week. I am going to Michigan for the weekend, but that is mainly due to getting my flight nearly free (cc deal) and I am spending one of those days working. I am not sure it's worth the effort of trying to save the marriage any longer. We really don't have the money for a counselor and I am not even sure I could even fit one into my schedule.
I "think" I have decided to give him an ultimatum after we are both back from our travels. I just have to decide the time table. Kicking him out during the winter seems harsh. To top it off, I own both of our cars. Do I give him one (it's paid off but he wouldn't be able to pay me for it) or save it for my son who will be driving next summer (My son is not his biological son)?
Anyhow, thanks for "listening" while I dump my feelings.
Family Confession
August 26th, 2014 at 11:37 am
August 26th, 2014 at 12:38 pm 1409056722
(hugs) I am sorry for your situation. I think that life is too short to be trapped in something that is unchangeable. I would suggest counseling, and as a
"retired professional" (read that as "psychotherapist before having kids") I think it might be beneficial to you to find someone to sort this out with. There are sliding scale fees that people charge. If you have an EAP you can seek confidential referrals. You might even benefit from informal sessions with your clergy if you are with a parish.
Sounds to me like counseling would be beneficial to your husband as well. If he were to change up and become motivated, would you still want him? The answer to that question should be honest and frank. And could very well indicate what you should do next. If you don't have a definitive answer on that, then I might work to try to change the situation.
Take care, friend. And dump away. Hell, I dump away over far more frivolous things. (like the $1,400 missed flight from CA and the missing $.72 from the mortgage payment).
August 26th, 2014 at 12:49 pm 1409057384
I'd like to think I would still want him if he changed and became motivated, but I find myself thinking more often that it shouldn't have come to an ultimatum.
Oh, I would be upset about the 1400 flight too!
August 26th, 2014 at 12:52 pm 1409057553
You might keep the second car since it is yours and you have reason to keep it. It sounds like other family may come to his aid if needed.
August 26th, 2014 at 02:08 pm 1409062094
August 26th, 2014 at 03:08 pm 1409065728
August 26th, 2014 at 05:25 pm 1409073906
August 26th, 2014 at 09:15 pm 1409087704
August 27th, 2014 at 11:23 am 1409138608
I agree with butterscotch. It sounds like you are mainly bothered about his not working, but I think the issue goes much deeper than that. Maybe he is depressed about the state of his marriage, about your attitude toward the marriage.
It doesn't sound like dealing with prostate cancer and unemployment are an "easy fix" to me at all. I have had MS for many years, and while my physical symptoms are largely under control, I can tell you that dealing with it on an emotional level is entirely different.
It sounds like your overriding interest is having him contribute a paycheck while saving the marriage is unimportant. This is very sad. This same kind of scenario has been an issue with me once or twice before with a boyfriend who was living with me and wasn't working, but here you've invested many more years in a marriage.
August 27th, 2014 at 01:25 pm 1409145946
All in all, I think we need a counselor and need to make the effort to find one as soon as possible.
August 27th, 2014 at 09:50 pm 1409176243